Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
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Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.