“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
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Extremely relatable.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants