my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
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I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
there has never been a better use of this meme
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Sing it!
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.