this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
You Might Also Like
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will