Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
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SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags