using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
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When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot