Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
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Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
inside you are two wolves
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump