Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
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[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Stonehinge