Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael