Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
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* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!