We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
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I hope this email finds you in a well
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.