My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
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*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.