People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
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After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
A ghost story
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.