alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
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[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
I hope this email punches you square in the face