Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
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If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.