kids play hide and seek like
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CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
HELP 😭
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*