*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
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Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?