[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
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That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.