“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
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GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.