I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
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Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
The 6 types of sex
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry