Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
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From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
knights of the ikea table
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
The first matador
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.