You Might Also Like
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam