snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
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He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey