Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
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Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!