Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
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In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
That’s classic.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house