MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
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I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.