Another interesting #factupdates post!
You Might Also Like
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
The prophecy is fulfilled