Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
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As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Rt to bother an English speaker
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.