This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
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I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all