So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
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1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.