REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
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How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.