A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
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”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”