my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
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Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*