Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
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Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed