[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
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“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]