I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
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I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
There is no “ea” in Tim.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.