[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
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I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Rambo Rambow
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand