[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
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Meow
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured