Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
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[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
I forgot how to panic. Help
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers