“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
You Might Also Like
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Breaking news:
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING