Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
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Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
It be like that sometimes 😆
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.