North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
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Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
i could never be president. im overqualified.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.