What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
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Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”