I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
You Might Also Like
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.