Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
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Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf