“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
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Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
mmm onion ringos
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…