Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.