I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
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Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
NASA has no chill
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”