This can never not be funny 😭😭
You Might Also Like
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.