have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
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This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.